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Guests - loss and anger

Being an ex-psychologist has some advantages - but, boy, do my old habits put me in some real tricky situations! Ordinarily, I wouldn't write about an issue that is not directly related to this accommodation business but a pattern that I have experienced, observed and been a part of is quite important for fellow B&B providers to be aware of.

All hoteliers and B&B providers have their fair share of rants from guests and all of us acknowledge that some anger is justified in some situations. i.e. dirty rooms, toilets, bad food etc. But some other rants are seriously disproportionate and way out of line. It is this disproportionate anger that interests me. What is it that makes a guest act in vicious and often personally insulting ways in situations that don't really warrant such a reaction? Here are some thoughts.

1. Anger from Grief/Loss:

Guests who are recovering from loss of some kind are those who fly off the handle at the smallest glitch or problem. I have added the link of the Kubler Ross stages for anyone who is interested in this process.

Recently, we had the misfortune of having a young (very immature) lady whose boyfriend had forfeited a seaview room for this smaller and cheaper one. She went to her room but wanted to leave straightaway because the room was too small and without views. ( room 6 on our website photos). She did not like it. She was distressed, crying, was passively aggressive, nasty and crazily personal to us - not to her boyfriend who had knowingly chosen the room. All this drama took place after staying in the room for 5 minutes.

I thought about this a while trying to understand the motive for such an outburst. Sure enough, the couple were back the next day demanding a refund of the deposit. The lady then mentioned a funeral she had attended the previous day and the reason she came to the IOW. Kerching!!! Penny dropped!!

Here was a young woman, who hadn't come to terms with her loss, her pain nor could she express her anger at her boyfriend who had chosen the room. She needed someone else to blame. The anger and the hate that spewed out was disproportionate. Really amazing. My reaction was mixed - torn between empathizing with her loss and retorting back at her nasty and personal ill-placed comments. But there you are. Displaced anger.

2. Expectations:

When we rent villas abroad, we go by the photos and guest comments. On some occasions we have had to modify our expectations on arrival as the pictures have not represented the product. We have taught ourselves to adjust and use realistic markers if we are disappointed. Check -Are all the facilities advertised available? Is the place clean ? Is it safe? Is the food as it is described ? At the end, a holiday is what one makes of it, as long as the basic facilities are in place. The frills and romantic notions created by our own tendency to embellish should be seen for what it is. Our perceptions.

I know that some guests struggle to reconfigure their mindsets. Instead they get angry. Anger perhaps at themselves for having created such a glossy picture of a product. Of course they cannot hold themselves responsible as this would cause way too much internal dissonance. So blame the providers- the natural targets.

Perceptions of people are not in our hands but what we do know is that we have excellent staff, spotless accommodation (someone said it was too clean), artistic decor, great views and good quality food. Yes, it is an old building. We are sure that nothing is false on our website, all pictures are real and nothing is embellished.

Metrics to compare accommodation

While various accommodation grading bodies make an effort to provide some markers for tourists against which to compare services, I recently experienced a stay which brought home quite a few inaccuracies.

When in London, we often stay at friends homes but on this occasion, all four of us decided to find a good hotel to stay in. We settled on a high end hotel in Central London- a hotel that boasted links all over the world. Not 5 star but 4 star with around 180 rooms and executive suites. Pleased to be looked after for a change, we entered a room which was the size of our standard double room. This was supposed to be a family room. Half the size of our family room !

No problem! We had a TV, i double bed and a sofa-cum bed and bathroom- but hello.... The bath is in a separate room from the lavatory. The lavatory with a commode only, is in a separate room. NO HAND BASIN IN THIS ROOM. How odd and old fashioned I think. Kids giggle at this strange split in the wash room facilities.

Ok, we find 2 cups ( for 4 of us) 1 HOT CHOCOLATE, 1 MILK. Mmm- I try not to make a big thing of this. I check in the shower room and find 1 set of towels. Ok- I call reception and have this rectified.

Later that evening we open the sofa cum bed for the girls. My youngest daughter tucks herself in but sinks to the ground. She giggles saying that she is stuck. I rushed around to pull her out and find that the middle of the bed had collapsed. Mark and I search around the bed to see if a leg had broken- but all seemed fine. On lifting the mattress up we find that most of the slats in the bed frame had split away from the frame and had just been positioned together - not glued- but just laid. It was impossible to put back together or fix it in an immovable lock.

We called Reception again. In walked a matronly woman and spoke with a strong eastern european accent. Extremely rude- not brusque- we can handle brusque- she insisted, without looking, that the bed was fine. After we showed her the offending bed, she placed the slats loosely, put the mattress back again and said " It is Ok, the bed! Dont move too much, it will be fine. No problem, you can sleep there".

Horrified, my tolerance slipped. This was unacceptable. Mark and I found ourselves thinking of our own reaction if this had happened in BM. We would have given up our own bed to make amends. No! the lady seemed to think that the broken bed was a luxury and we had no right to ask her to fix it.

An assertive phone call later, we were moved to another room. And then we went through the same rigmarole of asking for more cups, tea, hot chocolate and milk. We settled with 2 sets of towels - we decided it was easier to share than to call reception again.

In the morning- we found pre-cooked breakfast - all of which were mass-catered food. Not anything like the local farm produce we serve or even the individually cooked poached/ scrambled eggs. No soya milk or yoghurts.

What I am demonstrating is the impossible task of comparing accommodation. Comparing dissimilar accommodation is virtually impossible as the parameters and criteria for comparison are quite different.( unless you a whiz statistician). There are economies of scale involved in larger hotels where margins are made through their mass catering strategies. The smaller GA providers may charge similar tariffs as the larger hotels but the perk is in the personalized, individual service and cooked to order locally sourced food !

The next time you compare one accommodation provider with another please do so with care as you have to discipline yourself into understanding the differences and similarities if any>

Newchurch Ladies Choir

Why am I writing about Newchurch Ladies choir ? Moved- thats what I am. On the island, few interactions I have, can be classified as such. Landscape, sunset the sea perhaps but people- Nah!! Very few and far between.

It so happened that my 13 year old daughter's ( Dhyana) prowess in playing the recorder spread around a bit on the island. So an excited teacher called me to ask if Dhyana would play. Daughter got quite giddy with the knowledge that she was actually scouted and asked to play a solo- she still thinks there were talent scouts present. Poor girl, I won't break her bubble.

So, on Tuesday 8th April we trundled to this small village in the middle of nowhere. The only church in the village, beautiful and old filled with history and with all the pew chairs occupied by benevolent looking folk. An over full church it was- brimming with energy and bonhomie. Average age- 60.

Dhyana's teacher nudged me and whispered, "we are youngest here"! Never mind I thought. The folk there seemed to have more energy than I did.

The evening started with the wonderful Newchurch Ladies Choir. Conducted by the 85 year old amazing woman.... must find her name. The choir members were full of energy and enthusiasm even though some seemed so physically feeble that they sat on chairs. Led by the vibrant conductor the evening was harmony.

So what was so moving? Listening to women in obvious states of physical discomfort come together with such joy and harmony was an experience in fortitude. Smiling, embracing life with all its hiccups and showing such camaraderie in a world so full of hostilities was moving. The history of the church, the general ambience ensconced us in a secure and comforting space. Need I say more. I loved being there!!

Downsizing.

Suitably downsized to match our emerging needs, we have closed the restaurant choosing to operate under specific conditions. Our Sous Chef- sought greener pastures and a higher salary that can only be provided by larger hotels. We train new staff and they move on bigger establishments. We should seek training status I think!!! l The Home Office on the other hand will only allow for Chefs to be brought in at salaries of £25,000 or more per annum.

This kind of salary would be justified for a restaurant on the high street. But for a seasonal restaurant, in a slumbering village, with little foot fall is not financially viable.

As for staff - we in UK, take a lot for granted. We have staff from Slovakia who think that serving crusts of toasts is absolutely fine; serving cakes baked for their own personal use when we have no more desserts is perfectly reasonable; being straight and to the point it is a long process to teach them how to speak with frills.

All the above, for me, is just life's streaming experience.

Adaptation

Link to Frank Gehry- an adaptive architect.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Gehry

No one can say that we are inflexible. The number of debilitating events, that have presented themselves to us, over the past 5 years could see a person down or even direct them towards to the nearest island Priory. Not us. Our hair turns grayer, more facial lines appear, lots of somatic illnesses beseige us, but we flip over, shake the dismaying tides and bounce right back under a new guise.

If all of this sounds gobbledegook, it is only a precursive introduction to the change we have had to make to our business. The Tiffin Room, my third born, grew out of necessity. It is this very necessity that has prompted me to modify this venture temporarily.

A daughter diagnosed with several medical conditions, to me means one thing. I need to tip the balance towards being a mother. My daughter needs me now. She needs my support in learning the new habits required to manage her condition. Till she can do it on her own.

So out goes The Tiffin Room, for now. A change from a restaurant that was doing extremely well to a pared down version, for this year is what I can manage. All I can do is apologise to everyone with the hope that you will understand.

Changing bodies- morphing business

What a year it has been. A year of struggle, pain, joy and strife.

But the dominant feeling for all of us is one of being tired- burnt out. Perhaps it was our physical illnesses that brought us to a standstill. My in- laws, Mark and I - down for weeks with conditions that we now have to be very careful of. My beautiful youngest daughter diagnosed with an endocrinal disorder- that requires constant monitoring. How on earth would we manage this? With 24/7 work that is pretty relentless.

Perhaps it is the acknowledgment of the largeness of the task we have undertaken - just renovating the building alone makes us baulk now.

Then there is recruitment- the old staff want to start a family and move on to bigger things. The last time I applied to the Home Office for a South Indian Cook - I was unsuccessful. Will I find someone suitable now before the season starts to help and take the load off me? I don't know !

This means that the business next year will have to be modified to suit our changing physical and economic situations. If anyone does read this- please do post some suggestions.

My letter to Mr Clive Aslet , The Times

I sent the response below to The Times, after Mr Aslets review. I am not sure if they published it. But here it is.

"Thank you so much for your kind words. Given that before 2004 I had not owned/managed a restaurant or been a chef, your accolade is warming. I am also humbled by your confidence in making such a public statement about my skills.

As for the room, etc. my blog, linked from our website, discusses this in detail. A bit harsh though, given that you stayed one night and in one room you weren't even sure you wanted a single or double and only confirmed last minute. Hence you got the last room in the house! You could have asked to see some of the other rooms too!

However, if a kindly investor wishes to bank on my potential as a “Michelin Star” Chef ;-) we could spruce the hotel rooms with swanky showers, balconies, etc., we are just an impecunious family trying to eke out a living and have few protagonists in the press - apart from Paddy Burt."

Clive Aslets comments in The Times- 28 July 2007- The room and service

Now that I have filled in appreciating his positive comments about my food, here is a quick look behind the scenes at his comment on rooms and service.

Mr Aslet "went to bed happy. I woke up thirsty. Where was a bottle of water? Not to be found". Of course not. He didn't buy one, did he? Hey, for £42 pppn (the room he was in) do you honestly expect free bottled water as well ? Just go down to some of the hotels charging as much as we do and you won't even find the "excellent coffee" that you had here. An eg: Our owners who ran this as a 3 star Hotel in 2003 had signs in the kitchen that said "For Breakfast staff" "Turn on the coffee machine. Reheat coffee from previous evening". That would be have been great eh ?

Moreover, if you pop by into the many small hotels near us, you will find teeny sausages, one sliver of bacon, a few bits of mushroom - all from a wholesale supplier. Do you think you would even find a breakfast like ours using local farm produce with mushrooms griddled to perfection around here. If you do, please let me know.

Mr Aslet says - "bedrooms that don’t betray the considerable investment that the owners have made in the hotel since buying it four years ago".
Of course not. Have you read my blog? and about the conditionof the hotel? Do you know that the ceiling dropped in our Coach House and had to be rebuilt quickly so we could live "literally" with a roof above our heads? This comment is particularly surprising coming from you as you understand the economies of old buildings. Surely, you would know that even spending a couple of hundred thousand pounds can disappear into the black hole with nothing to show for it in a building like ours. (As it happened to us). Now we are at a stage when we can spruce the hotel up. But we are rung dry - spent.

You know, what is particularly humiliating, is to watch and listen to criticism about rooms with my hands tied back unable to do anything. I know that some of the rooms are not as I want them to be, but I am powerless and penniless to change it. My vision is grand, with furniture made by the craftsmen of Channapatna in Mysore, with silks and cotton bedding in every room and elegant bathrooms with a touch of Southern India, soaps and oils made from sandalwood. Helpless, powerless, penniless, sad - that is my response everytime we get hauled up for the rooms.

On the funnier side - Mr Aslet said "For example, I had to get out of bed to switch on the light". I sent this article to my wonderful creative Parisien artist friend - Nicolas Taffin (http://www.polylogue.com) Here is his response-

"Beautiful (about the Michelin bit) !

But what? he had to get out of bed to switch on the light ???
Poor man.

Anyway, I'm a bit anxious about something.
Will we have to get out of bed to switch the light ? :-)

I hope Mark will give us a password to switch the light from the bed
using a terminal command across Wi-fi."

A bit of perspective in life is invigorating. Don't you think?

My other friend on IOW said " Good God! Did the man wet himself at night? He had to "get out of bed" to use the toilet. Poor man!! "

Then Mr Aslet writes - "Despite a confirmed reservation, I wasn’t expected when I arrived".
Naughty, naughty. You were expected. We had all your emails. The registration book was not handy and my memory gave way. Usually, I remember every one due to arrive. But then, lets jog your memory about your part of the action-

Your booking - you sent an email with confusing information about your arrival to my husband!! - not to the hotel website! How did you manage to do that? Then you were unsure of the room - requested a single then changed to a double room and then to a single occupancy of a double room - all for one night. You requested a standard double room and not a premier or sea view room for “one night only.” If you had you would have seen a room with a view rather than ones that face the cliffs.

Hey, this is not a problem, we are all human and make mistakes, just as you wrote Bonchurch and not Bonchurch Manor in your article!!

As my comments on "The Times" site says, if I had the money, this would look a million times better. Therein lies the challenge.

The Times - Clive Aslet says-Give Star in Michelin Guide for us.

"If the Michelin Guide cared about proper food, rather than the degree of starch in the napkins, it would give Bonchurch Manor a star", says Mr Aslet in the Saturday Times, July 28th 2007.

What an accolade !! I am stunned. To say this publicly as well ! Wowee! How often is Indian food recognised as being complex and delicate enough to warrant such grades. Usually,this food conjures up slapped on "curry type" cheap gunk. God forbid if you charge "Western Food" prices for dishes that are delicious !! In such a public climate, I am absolutely honored by Mr Aslets comments. For a white person to make this statement is bold and radical.

If you look at some of the food blogs listed on my Tiffin Room blog you can find the most amazing cooks and recipes. They are ordinary people yet their cuisine is heavenly. And any way should'nt the Michelin Grading be more inclusive- taking into its fold the vast spectrum of people and food from around the world?

Mr Aslet says "I got back to a superb breakfast, made from local, free-range produce. The coffee was excellent". True, True. The experimentation - the errors, the fine toning of the ingredients have resulted in a breakfast that we think is the best. Would you find a breakfast cooked only with olive oil and tomatoes sprinkled with fresh basil in a place which provides accommodation in such a splendid location at £42 pppn !!

Do you know that in 2004, when we were experimenting with presentation, taste and variety, we offered a selection of breads- cheese, pumpkin, aniseed, fruit, plain etc. And guess what. Perhaps 2 people asked for this bread. Everyone wanted the synthetic plain white or brown toast. And the coffee- we had a couple who wanted to try every type of coffee we had on our menu. Java, Italian, Blue mountain. Would any other Guest Accomodation provider have allowed this ? We think not.